Every few months or so come a day when I think too much.
Okay- I do that a lot.
But I try not to think about the fact that I don't have a mother. It obviously brings me down to my lowest low. My mom died on February 8th 2009, I was 13 and in 7th grade. That's kind of a lot for a 13 year old already not knowing what the heck is happening with their changes in interest and such to deal with if you ask me.
But today was one of those days I just think about everything I miss about her and about having a mom. I was thinking about homecoming to begin with..and how I'm going to do my hair and nails and makeup and all that girly stuff. I remembered multiple friends of mine saying how their moms wanted to take them dress shopping, and to get their hair done, and they'd do their make up for them.
Well, I don't have that.I have a dad who thinks all that is pointless and stupid. I mean, most dads do right? And so the only way girls get stuff to look pretty is by their mom's help. Dads complain about their daughters spending money on makeup and hairspray, but if they had a son who wanted to buy a bunch of camouflage junk for hunting for example, they'd encourage them and help them pick the right stuff, just like a mother would her daughter with girlish stuff. So it's rather hard for a teenage girl to go to Walmart (because her dad thinks nice makeup isn't worth it) on her own and just know what to get. I mean, yeah, there's Seventeen Magazine to help you out, but you'll end up looking fake with that most of the time. So I'm lost on that subject..I probably look absolutely ridiculous and don't even know it because I don't have a mom to tell me to use this much and this color.
But what makes me the saddest, are things like the fact she won't be there to see me go out on my first REAL date..she cant' give me advice on guys.. she can't help me get ready for prom and she can't tell me I look beautiful before it. I always wanted those perfect movie moments where the mom is helping her daughter get ready for stuff like that, and I'll never have it. I'll never have a moment where she gives me some special necklace, or is helping me curl my hair. She won't get to see any of my achievements and how do I know if she'd be proud? I do know she would be, because she loved me more than anyone, but it's not the same as hearing it. Nope-I just constantly hear what I did wrong, and never right, from my dad and how he wants me to be and not good job for being what I am. And yes, I understand you need someone to tell you to do better all the time, but I no longer have my mom to even that out. We can't stand in the kitchen on snow days trying to figure out how to make our delicious desserts we made even better. She can't take me to the store and show me what kind of food to buy. I can't show her what I've learned, or tell her about something that happened.
My mom won't even see me walk down the aisle and get married or see my kids someday.
We always had a very communicative relationship, unlike my dad and I. And she left this world right when I was beginning to need her the most, figuring all this growing up and becoming a good woman stuff out. It's not exactly easy to tell your dad about something a cute guy said to you.. especially when you giggle like an idiot. It's just not the same. You can always TRY talking to your friends, and some are much better listeners than others, but I tend to talk a lot about pointless junk they really don't care about that I would've told my mom, so they're just like yeah whatever cool it doesn't effect me so I don't care, or they think I'm bragging if it's about something I'm happy about. So who do I talk to about random little things like that? It's just weird talking to my dad about it..because..it just is and he's a guy so he never gets it, my friends could care less, and aunts or cousins or whatever..it's just not the same closeness that you need.
The wedding thing REALLY bums me out. She won't get to see who I marry and give me advice. She won't be able to come dress shopping with me. I won't see her cry as I stand there saying my vows. Her spot will just be empty. And I DEFINITELY don't want to see some other woman who is NOT my mother there in that spot. -But that's another whole story.
Some people say I need a woman influence in my life. Okay, yes, but I have friends and aunts and cousins and plenty of people. I do not need some strange unwanted woman in my house who is my "womanly influence." That's crap. I don't need or WANT that for that matter. It's not the same. You just have to be in this situation to know what I mean maybe..but I just mean I can't handle seeing some woman in my house who is not my mother. I know that all sounds harsh, but you just have to be there to know what I mean.
Sometimes I feel sick and worthless and like I just want my life to hurry up and stop slowing down in the worst parts because that's what it seems like. I have no one who understands what this feels like. The only person who did was my mom, and she's the whole reason I have to feel this way! I just want more than anything to not have to fake being me every day. I have to act all spazzy and jumpy and happy about absolutely everything..because that's how people know I'm okay. And if I'm not the least bit like that they might get concerned, and I don't need to be a burden in everyone's lives, people already have enough to deal with and I need to learn how to take care of myself anyway.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to do that yet. Taking care of yourself requires a teacher who understands you and is in the same position as you. Mine's in heaven.
So what do I do?
Do I just hang my head in sorrow all the time and make everyone feel like crap? No. Of course not. Sometimes I have to do that but trust me, I try my hardest not to do that.
Do I fake it constantly letting everyone know I'm completely fine? Nope. That is a lie.
Should I go around straight up telling everyone Hey! I feel like crap! Comfort me! Heck no. That's annoying and not everyone cares enough to actually make you feel better they just say suck it up. (My least favorite phrase. I've heard it enough times in my life.)
What if I just bottled it all up right away and moved on? I can't. It doesn't work that way. It'd come back later anyway.
So really? What can I do?
There's one more option which I'm trying I think, and maybe it's working..just a lot slower than I'd like. -
Trust that things will get better. It's hard to do if things just keep crashing back down. But sometimes little things get better, so maybe it's just going to take time. I just got to trust God and that he'll make someone understand or something. I'm not sure what he'll do. Which is also why it's hard to not just go insane and be insecure..like I kind of am. I'm working on that though. I'm not sure why he had to take my mom away, because it's only made my life suck so far, but I guess he has a plan or something, but it's so hard to believe anything good could ever come out of anything that's ruined my life this much.
In the end I'm a confused teenage girl, without a mom, needing something-I don't know what, who wants nothing more than someone to understand her. And I'm a very hard person to understand sometimes. I know that. That's why I don't know what to do, I don't even understand myself, but hopefully, in time, I will.
